- Travel gifts
- Terrible Christmas music
- In conclusion
It’s Christmas, folks. Jingling bells, braaivleis, suntan lotion, Christmas crackers and whining kids fill the air.
And to celebrate the lunacy of Christmas, I’m presenting you with a list of some of the cringiest Christmas gifts and Christmas songs that should probably not have been released.
First, some ghastly gifts.
Did you know there’s a website dedicated to showcasing bad gifts? It’s called Why Did You Buy Me THAT?! .com.
People congregate here to share embarrassing gifts with the world. Great idea. Let’s take a look at some of the more interesting ones; items that’ll add colour to the traveller’s life.
80’s beach pants
Nothing says “I’m a tourist. Look at me.” more than a pair of surf shorts straight out of the 80s. You’ll make a splash when you hit the beach in a foreign country wearing these bad boys.
Remember to wear shades though…
Justin Bieber clock
You don’t want to miss a thing when you’re travelling in another country. Get up early and make the most of your visit. The early bird, that sort of thing.
There’s no better way to enter a state of consciousness than with the croonings of a Justin Bieber clock. It’s like sleeping safely in the strong arms of the Canadian Wonderboy himself.
Voodoo St Christopher
Stay on Murphy’s safe side by draping this gorgeous voodoo version of St Cristopher around your neck. Don’t think of it as a noose. Just enjoy the blessings that’ll come your way wherever you travel.
Maybe stay away from countries with excessive superstitions.
What’s Your Poo Telling You?
A long drop classic. This is the perfect gift for the traveller, especially the traveller on his way to Mexico or India, where spicy food should ensure enough time on the loo to read this revelatory masterpiece.
Littering in Singapore could put you out of up to $5,000. Jaywalking carries an equally weighty fine.
Take control of accidentally dropped chewing gum wrappers (don’t chew in public; you could get arrested) with these brooms that attach to the front of your shoes. They not only turn you into a sweepwalker (get it?), they also look snazzy. Don’t you think?
Chinese Looney Tunes pants
Turn the stereotype on its head by wearing these Chinese style Looney Tunes pants when you visit China. This way, you show Chinese people that you dig their style without sacrificing western values. The best of east meets west.
That’s the gifts, sorted.
Terrible Christmas music
You need the Christmas spirit. Nothing uppercuts you into the right mood more than Christmas music.
I’m not talking Jingle Bells or any of the old cliched songs. I’m talking good stuff. Underground Christmas stuff. If goths celebrated Christmas, this is what they’d listen to.
Speaking of goths, have you seen this video?
Mistletoe – Justin Bieber
Would you believe it? I totally didn’t see that coming, but Bieber made it into this post TWICE. You can’t plan that sort of thing.
Bieber sings his heart out on this underground Christmas classic and throws in the use of his favourite word, “Shawty”, just to let you know, if you had any doubts, that the Bieber is a tough Canadian gangster not to be messed with.
Sit back and soak up this melodic masterpiece. Even better, set the video speed to 0.5 to really get the song into your head.
The perfect companion for your Christmas travels.
But wait, there’s more.
Here’s a Bearded One Editorial bonus. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, as sung by the Bieber.
You still there?
Wonder what it looks like when Santa facepalms…
Don’t Shoot Me Santa – The Killers
So the same band who brought us the amazing All These Things That I’ve Done, one of the greatest songs ever recorded, as well as a beautiful rendition of Dire Straits’ Romeo and Juliet, thought it a good idea to write this Christmas tune.
Put this in your mince pie and smoke it, Christmas traveller.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus – The Jackson 5
Enjoy this classic Jackson tune, shrills and all.
Wonderful Christmas Time – Paul McCartney
When Paul wrote this tune he must have stumbled upon a synth shop. There are more laser sounds in this one song than in all Star Wars movies combined.
Excuse My Christmas – Jan Terri
I’ve kept the best for last.
Why this song didn’t chop the tarts, ever, is beyond me. It’s pure Christmas chemistry, with lyrics that soar past the inanity of modern music, way into space and beyond, and a voice that, unfortunately, does not soar with it, but stays stuck well inside Earth’s atmosphere to torment (over, and over, and over again, and again, and again) those of us who had to find songs for a Christmas blog post.
Hangover included, no alcohol required.
These gift ideas and songs should kick you right into the Christmas spirit.
Merry Christmas from the Bearded One. Send me gifts.